March 11, 2013

the significance of scars



i asked a friend if he could love a woman who had no scars.  he told me that when one began discussing scars, it was the sign of last resort--nothing left to discuss.  i disagree, wholly, as i believe mulling over scars is just the beginning.  

my recent and not so easily gotten over lover had two scars--one under his chin, where he had gashed it as a kid somehow on a bed frame, and the second on his thumb, a result of a near-lethal paper cut.  i've always liked to crawl the map of someone and hear their scars.  but lately i've been thinking about this fascination i have, with healed injury, this fact of his not having had many healed injuries, and of course, as usual, just him.

i prefer not to think about that last part.  but the good news is i just remembered i think he had a 3rd scar, around his eyebrow, but i am not at all sure of this... .  anyway.

i prefer to think about this:  is there significance to scarlessness?  we can't see inner scars, you say, and i say true.  but... how important is it that one suffered their body for desire of their guts?  why do i have a sneaking suspicion that though it may not be important that one does, it is at least telling if one does not.

is a scar a stamped letter of strength--that someone has been hurt, and endured?  is a scar a reminder of passion unfurled?  does a scar signal a warrior spirit, in a man proclaiming one who is fearless and strong, and in a woman demonstrating resilience, and as well, strength?  (of course for women probably the scar would need to not detract from her attractiveness overall.  there's gotta be equilibrium:  woman as decoration and as a good candidate for a long line of reproducing,  and woman as utility--her ability to function successfully as a birthing vessel that won't throw in the towel or go mad-dog or collapse after the experience of pregnancy and birth the first time around) 

perhaps this is all about rationalizing my own marred bod and justifying an extreme suspicion of the scarless-types.  and though this is definitely not intended to flaunt my non-caddishness as exemplified by unpristine skin,  i do have to consider my own scars, and what they mark, and what they possibly contribute to the fleshing of my spirit, in order to see if maybe there's something to my notion that scarlessness--or nearly that--is sinister.  or put another way:  that the extent to which one is visibly scarred tells of character, and functions either in a positively or negatively charged signal.  i tend to lean toward more scarring, more experience, better.  but this is my bias. 

So:  i have a deep smile where my 3 c-sections were performed one on top of the other, that surprise when my bikini is removed; i have what appears to be a permanent blotch the size of a half dollar--dark purple, round, on my ankle--from being on my knees with that particular bit of body pressed onto a fire-hot piece of metal which was burning the holy fuck out of me without my even knowing; i have a slit next to my nose where a dog bit me when i ran to him all glee girl and hugged him, which gesture he did not desire at that moment; i have a thin white line  curving around the top of my finger where i tried to make an adjustment to a purse strap with my pocket knife and wound up slicing myself to the bone right before the plane was going to take off, which required the plane to be delayed and an ambulance to come out on the tarmac and etc. etc.   there are small dotted scars running down my spine from carpet burns.  there is a starburst shaped scar on my hip from the removal of a suspicious mole (it was nothing), and a smaller scar that never gets tan, from same, on my thigh.  i have scars on my eyelids, now, from surgery.  i have a scar on my breast where a tumor was removed (again:  aside from the terror of waiting, nothing)  i have stories of stupidity and passion and aging and experience and self-determination written on my skin, and these are lived.  i mean that word:  lived.

hm.  i mean, only some of these are caused by my own actions.  so then perhaps a consideration of the ways in which scars are obtained is important--although that can hardly be known at first sight--in clarifying character.  is she healthy?  is she clumsy?  is she so engrossed in the moment that she is unaware?  does she routinely cause people to miss their connections? there must be a mechanism inside us somewhere posing the questions, analyzing the answers, and based upon some unknown-to-me threshold, calculating desirability of the people we encounter.  the desirability of their character.

so.  in general, i doubt men with scars look like fools.  the more scars, the more they demonstrate their "animal".  but i am wondering if women with scars just wind up looking like dingbats.  some scars, we are strong and capable.  too many, we are another liability. 

i'm trapped in the damn zone of blur==where the conclusion to be drawn about a person shifts from "one who moves forward despite risk" or "one who has good stories" into "one who is just plain stupid", and "one who is inert" or "one who mistakes comfort for happiness" into  "one who is just plain stupid".  and where do the scarred, and where do the scarless, fall.  i wish i knew math--somehow i want someone to draw me a map of this, and then tell me how it is.

rats.  i don't feel one bit better after having written this.  especially since i know on tuesday i go get more stitches out, and am going to have a big ol bunch of new scars.  pfft.